A new and promising candidate emerges in the California governor’s race
Late entry promises peace and prosperity and progress, and tells the federal government to keep its hands off California
The other day I was complaining about my lack of passion for any one of the 61 candidates running for governor of California.
So I decided on my own to make it 62 candidates.
Yes, I know this is a last-minute decision, but today I am declaring my candidacy for governor of a state I passionately love.
Clearly, the Golden State needs another white male baby boomer running the show.
If I can simply get every member of my family to vote for me next Tuesday, I should easily reach “Top Two” status and qualify for the November ballot against whichever candidate comes in second.
I mean, even some of the grandkids are eligible to vote at this point.
If you’ve already voted for someone else, just go to the appropriate “secure” ballot drop box, attach a wad of Bazooka Bubble Gum to a piece of twine and fish out as many ballots as necessary until you find yours. Then, so you don’t get arrested, return every ballot other than yours to the drop box.
Since humility and vulnerability are suddenly desirable traits these days, I will admit that in my haste the other day, I stated that Steve Hilton, if elected, would be the first California governor not eligible to run for president.
This caused Ted and Gayna and a slew of other sleuths to point out that Arnold Schwarzenegger was already a California governor who was not eligible to run for president.
I actually made that mistake on purpose just to prove to everyone that I can admit my mistakes and look like a down-to-earth guy.
Truth be told, I’d be in favor of allowing naturalized citizens to run for president and let the voters decide if that’s someone they want in the Oval Office.
My point is, when I am elected governor of California, I promise never to use that as a springboard to the White House ballroom. Unless, of course, there is a groundswell of support that I simply cannot ignore.
Although I am way younger than both Donald Trump and Joe Biden, I decided to take a mental acuity test before declaring my candidacy and, just like the president, I aced it. In fact, the doctors said they had “never seen anything like it.”
Thank God that two plus two is still four.
In this day of instant communication and constant gratification, there is still time to win this thing. After all it’s so much easier to get the word out these days compared to when I ran for homeroom monitor in Joe Carey’s 8th grade class at Davis Junior High School. (And lost).
In addition to social media, I plan to immediately take a whistlestop train tour of the entire state if that high-speed rail project manages to get completed before Election Day.
Based on recent polling, it looks like I won’t need more than 25 percent of the vote to qualify for November. And then I’ll send that carpetbagging Steve Hilton back where he came from, British accent and all.
I do, of course, need a platform. I know I can’t win on looks alone.
First and foremost, when I am governor, California will embrace Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.
Each of those is a beautiful, meaningful word.
California is the most diverse state in the union. We are all God’s children and we should be treated as such.
Equity basically means fairness and justice. Need I say more?
And diversity? What governor of California wouldn’t want to include every resident in sharing our state’s rich bounty?
If that Orange Menace in Washington, D.C., says California won’t receive any more tax dollars if we insist on D.E.I., well, he’ll find out in a hurry that we won’t be sending our tax dollars his way either.
We are easily one of those states that pays way more than its fair share of federal tax, supporting states that mostly voted for Trump.
You withhold federal dollars from California, Mr. President, and we’ll withhold Smokehouse Almonds and avocados and Napa Valley wine from the rest of the country. Did you know that McDonald’s - your favorite - was founded in California?
In fact, at this very moment there are 1,232 McDonald’s in California. Maybe you should visit us sometime.
But enough about Trump.
This campaign is about serving California and Californians.
As for high-speed rail, which is more like snail-speed rail at this point, I’ll scrap the whole thing and convert all of U.S. 99 from Merced to Bakersfield into Waymo Way.
Forget those sleek trains that are still seemingly decades away and replace them with thousands of 24/7 Waymo vans and sedans designed to go 200 miles per hour with no traffic to get in the way.
Cheaper, faster, more efficient, more comfortable and, most importantly, available on the first day I take office.
That is if you want to go from Bakersfield to Merced.
When it comes to higher education, I plan to go back to the days of one of California’s greatest yet least celebrated governors, Edmund G. “Pat” Brown.
He was the one, in 1960, who came up with California’s Master Plan for Education that declared all UC campuses, all CSU campuses and all junior colleges (as they were known in those days) would be tuition free, even at the graduate and professional levels.
Yes, there was a $120 per semester “incidental fee” that got you into the football game and a bed at the Student Health Center and a shot of penicillin if you got the inevitable strep throat, but that was it.
Thus, for a mere $960, many of us got a college degree from the best university system in the world. In those days, you truly could get a part-time job and work your way through college.
Here is what former UC President Clark Kerr told the California State Legislature years later, looking back at what had been accomplished:
“What did we try to do in 1960? First of all, we faced this enormous tidal wave, 600,000 students added to higher education in California in a single decade. There were new campuses that had to be built, faculty members that had to be hired, and so forth, and it looked like an absolutely enormous, perhaps even impossible, challenge before us. We started out in our Master Plan asking the state to commit itself, despite the size of this enormous tidal wave, to create a place in higher education for every single young person who had a high school degree or was otherwise qualified so that they could be sure, if they got a high school degree or became otherwise qualified that they would have a place waiting for them. That was our first and basic commitment. I might say it was the first time in the history of any state in the United States, or any nation in the world, where such a commitment was made -- that a state or a nation would promise there would be a place ready for every high school graduate or person otherwise qualified. It was an enormous commitment and the basis for the Master Plan.”
Please forgive me for a moment while I wipe away a tear.
Apparently, California was practicing diversity, equity and inclusion long before anyone coined the phrase.
In short, Donald Trump, don’t mess with California. We know what we’re doing.
When I’m governor, you can forget the Billionaires Tax. I’ll be happy if billionaires simply agree to pay the same state tax rate the rest of us do.
I’ll also order the athletic departments at Cal and UCLA to rejoin the Pac-12 conference as God intended, and will attempt to cajole Stanford and USC to do the same.
I will issue a strongly worded prohibition on any more hillsides in Big Sur sliding into the Pacific Ocean and closing Highway 1.
I will use my first 32 days in office to hold a town hall in each and every one of the 32 California counties that voted for Donald Trump in 2024 and ask everyone there one simple question: “What can the State of California do to make your lives better?”
To increase tourism in the North State, I’ll declare Mt. Shasta the 8th Wonder of the World, while encouraging geologists to come up with a way to have Mt. Lassen erupt once again.
I’ll encourage the Legislature to name the Dungeness crab (Metacarcinus magister) as the Official State Crustacean and let the rest of the seafood-crazed world know that this is the best-tasting crab on God’s green earth.
I will not lower the gas tax because it is one of the main reasons California has the best network of roads in the nation.
I will root for the Giants, the A’s, the Dodgers, the Angels and the Padres; the 49ers, the Rams and the Chargers; the Kings, the Warriors, the Lakers and the Clippers; the Sharks, the Kings and the Mighty Ducks; the West Sacramento River Cats, the Stockton Ports, the Fresno Grizzlies and the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes; the Golden State Valkyries and the Los Angeles Sparks; the Sacramento Republic FC, the San Jose Earthquakes, the LA Galaxy, Los Angeles FC and San Diego FC.
And every college and high school team - boys and girls, men and women - that calls California home.
We will pray for rain to keep our forests safe, our crops thriving and our salmon swimming.
My administration will lower the cost of the Four H’s - Housing, Healthcare, Hunger and Hot Dogs.
I will commute to the Capitol from our East Davis home and will refuse to collect either mileage or per diem.
The Governor’s Mansion will be available to the public free of charge on a lottery basis for birthdays, graduations, weddings, quinceañeras and family reunions.
A while ago, when I borrowed a phrase from the great Herbert Hoover and promised if I were governor there would be a chicken in every pot and pot in every chicken, I was kidding. I’m not that fond of chicken.
Because of a silly rule about having to declare my candidacy before ballots are printed, I am required to be a write-in candidate.
I checked with California Secretary of State Shirley Weber, Ph.D., and she said that her office will accept a number of variations of my name on the ballot as long as it’s clear what the voter’s intention is.
Names she approved were Bob, Bobby, Billy Bob, Robert, Robare, Bub, Bubba and Bubbly, along with Dunning, Duning, Dunney, Dunging, Dunnigan and Dummy.
It’s important that next to my name you fill in the little box just like you would for any other candidate.
I have not accepted any donations of any kind from anyone, but I am planning a GoFundMe campaign to pay for my election night Victory Party at Central Park in my beloved hometown of Davis.
Vote early.
Vote often.
Vote for Bob.