Can we genetically engineer our kids to be perfect human beings?
There just may be a few pitfalls in our brave new world
A few years ago, when I was living high on the hog as a daily columnist for the local newspaper, I remember one day writing about the rapid strides being made in genetic engineering, specifically in agriculture.
As great as all those strides have been for mankind, we’ve now reached the point, of course, where mom and dad can genetically engineer their own offspring.
In fact, with the current administration’s emphasis on American exceptionalism and absolute disdain for anyone who struggles to keep up, I suspect the day is coming when genetic engineering will become mandatory for anyone wishing to bring an American citizen into this world.
With “perfect” children being born without a flaw, healthcare costs will plummet. We’ll need fewer schoolteachers as well, since kids will be able to recite the alphabet by age 1 and speak at least three languages by age 2.
When it comes to hair color and eye color and height and weight and IQ, parents will pretty much be able to dial up any trait they wish before their child takes its first breath.
A custom order, likely delivered by Amazon.
As I’ve noted before when writing about this topic, certain characteristics will, of course, be more expensive than others, simply because there will be a need to control talent.
After all, if every kid on the block can hit 60 home runs in a Little League season, his or her “talent” will become ordinary and thus basically worthless.
If all the kids in the nursery school can outshine Picasso, what will their parents be able to brag about at the end-of-the-year potluck?
Running the mile in under four minutes used to be a big deal, mostly because only a handful of human beings could accomplish that feat after Sir Roger Bannister became the first to do so in 1954.
Nowadays if you want a kid faster than a speeding bullet, all you have to do is specify your desires on the pre-birth application.
However, if your kid has been engineered to run the 100-meter dash in under nine seconds and the next-door neighbor’s kid can do it in seven seconds flat, the 9-second effort becomes positively slovenly.
“Our kid’s two seconds slower than George and Sally’s kid,” worried parents will tell one another as they consider trading their child in for a faster model.
It might not be as obvious, but the same will be true for smarts.
There’s actually nothing remarkable about knowing your multiplication tables up to 12 times 12 by age 2 if every other kid knows them by age 1.
“Bobby’s a whole year behind his class,” those same parents will say as they furrow their brows with doubt.
There is, unfortunately, one major problem with every kid being fast and smart and so very good-looking.
Someone still has to take out the garbage.
Can you imagine asking your kid to do such a menial task after she’s just recited pi to the 162nd position?
Indeed, depending on who is in power and can force these decisions on parents, American society will have a desperate need for generic children to perform the tasks the newly brilliant refuse to take on.
With a proper government subsidy, the cost of bringing a generic child into the world will be only 10 percent of what the perfect child will command.
Generic children will be available in only one skin color - a sort of pale green - and eye and hair color will have to be accepted “as is.”
Generic children will grow to average height and weight and be of average intelligence as they sit at the back of the class arguing whether Humpty Dumpty is real or fictional.
While they may get colds a little more often than other children, one advantage is that since they’re neither fat nor skinny, they’ll be easy to fit when you go school shopping at Penney’s.
While they won’t be beautiful by any measure, they won’t be ugly either, and they’ll be perfectly acceptable as part of your living unit at picnics, church socials, pizza parlors and family reunions in North Dakota.
Because they aren’t as bright as more expensively engineered children, generic kids may actually present fewer behavioral problems because expectations for them are so low. They will no doubt cry less in the middle of the night, but unfortunately are likely to laugh less as well. Especially at clever jokes with a double meaning.
Generic kids won’t be the stars of the high school baseball team, but they will be good enough to earn an occasional tour of duty in right field and can usually be taught to catch fly balls.
At this point, generic girls will be just like the boys. However, since the only difference between the sexes is cultural anyway, parents who just must have a little girl will be offered a $19.95 conversion kit to teach her all the common stereotypes.
Best of all, because of their ordinary status, generic children aren’t likely to disappoint their parents the way talented children might do.
And finally, it won’t take long, no doubt, for parents of generic children to get used to the big “G” stamped on their kid’s forehead as the family all goes out for ice cream after dinner.