Crystal Ball reveals every significant event that will take place in the next 12 months

JD Vance takes the reins, Frerichs for governor, good news for Al Capone

This is the time of year when major news organizations spend way too much time recounting the blessings and curses of the previous year, in this case, 2025.

That’s the easy stuff.

What you will read here is what will happen in 2026, money-back guaranteed.

Please note, several of the predictions that follow were actually made in previous years, but have been delayed - but not cancelled - due to COVID, global warming, atmospheric rivers and the shocking selection of an American pope.

May I have the envelope, please?

AVE MARIA (January 2) ... ICE agents detain and deport Our Lady of Guadalupe for her seditious claim that immigrants are “God’s children.”

PULVERIZING THE PALOUSE (January 6) .. Blaming faulty satellite data left over from the Biden Administration, Secretary of Lethality Pete Hegseth levels all of Moscow, Idaho. “Wrong Moscow,” Hegseth notes with a shrug. “Stuff happens.”

THE NAME-CHANGE GAME (January 11) ... CBS announces that the longstanding and award-winning “60 Minutes” will be renamed “60 Seconds,” with the only programming being a brief inspirational and patriotic message from President Trump.

AND A CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM (January 22) ... Los Angeles Lakers draft 6-foot-10 Barron Trump to comply with presidential directive to “get more white guys” in the NBA.

A WELL-DESERVED HONOR (January 31) ... Mirriam Webster selects “Fox News” as Oxymoron of the Year.

THE SNOWBALL REBELLION (February 2) ... Using snowman decoys, killer whales, northern lights and poisoned cod fillets, Greenland repels full-scale American invasion and adopts “Not in My Nuuk” as its national rallying cry.

LOOK ON THE SUNNY SIDE OF LIFE (February 4) ... Trying to paint a happy face on plummeting national morale, Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum declares The Badlands of North and South Dakota will now be officially known as The Gladlands.

WILD WINTERS WARRIORS SHOCK THE WORLD (February 8) ... After winning the California state high school football championship, Winters claims Super Bowl LX with a 3-0 win over the San Francisco 49ers. “Those guys are so tough, I couldn’t complete a single pass,” says 49ers’ quarterback Brock Purdy after going 0 for 40.

RIDE-SHARE COMPETITION (February 14) ... City of Davis attempts to raise revenue for road improvements by starting new 12-passenger peanut-shaped ride-sharing service known as “Goober.”

DON’T MESS WITH MOTHER NATURE (February 16) ... After 40 days and 40 nights of torrential rainfall, the Mighty Putah buries all of East Davis under 20 feet of water. Damage estimates exceed $900.

A DAILY SURPRISE (February 21) ... Canes takes over Davis Enterprise routes, offers bicycle delivery of six-piece Caniac, complete with slaw and dipping sauce.

BIRDIES IN THE AIR (February 28) ... Donald Trump buys Yocha Dehe Golf Club, sets course record with 18 straight holes in one.

IT’S ABOUT AFFORDABILITY (March 3) ... Dollar Tree changes name to Inflation Nation, begins charging two dollars per item.

COOL HAND LUCAS (March 11) ... Yolo County Supervisor Lucas Frerichs enters crowded race for California governor, says difficulty pronouncing last name sets him apart from the field.

PARDON ME (March 17) ... Donald Trump pardons Al Capone. “Cheating on your taxes should not be a crime,” he says. “I should know.”

Free at last

DIRTY REPORTING (April 15) ... Davis’ own The Dirt wins Pulitzer Prize for all-around journalistic excellence.

GLAD FOR VLAD (April 18) ... UC Davis chapter of Turning Point USA invites Vladimir Putin to ride on its Picnic Day float.

RESTORING CIVILIZATION (April 30) ... Former residents of the town of Monticello sue Army Corps of Engineers for flooding their town by building Monticello Dam. U.S. Supreme Court orders Lake Berryessa be drained and Putah Creek restored to its former grandeur.

HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN WEARING HIS SEATBELT (May 9) ... Elon Musk is ejected from back seat of driverless Tesla while attempting to navigate potholes on H Street so he could watch his son play Little League.

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE WOLK (May 30) ... Dan Wolk replaces Clarence Thomas on U.S. Supreme Court after presidential aides convince Donald Trump his last name is not pronounced “woke.”

ONE SMALL CLARIFICATION (June 1) ... The Trump-Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts becomes the Trump-Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., Center for the Performing Arts.

BANNING STATE-SANCTIONED SUPERSTITION (June 8) ... Embarrassed that having both a 12th Street and a 14th Street, but no 13th Street, makes Davis look more superstitious than intellectual, City Council puts the matter to a citywide vote.

WORLD CUP TO DAVIS (July 19) ... Citing security concerns in New York City with its Muslim mayor, Donald Trump moves World Cup final to Nugget Fields.

GREEN, GREEN, IT’S GREEN THEY SAY (July 20) ... Greenland claims World Cup title with 1-0 double overtime win over Argentina.

PLOUGH ‘EM UNDER (July 21) ... UC Davis head football coach Tim Plough turns down Notre Dame job because he doesn’t want to make a “lateral move” at this point in his career.

LUDY’S LAPS THE FIELD (August 1) ... Ludy’s pork (and beef) palace in Woodland sweeps international competition, wins Nobel Prize for Best Brisket.

SUNDAYS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME (August 25) ... Fox News buys NBC, changes “Meet the Press” to “Meet the Prez.”

IMPORTED CHILDREN SAVE DAVIS SCHOOLS (September 8) ... Noting that Utah has the highest fertility rate in the nation, Davis School Board announces plan to bus in children from Salt Lake City to keep Davis elementary schools open. Jell-O added to all school lunch menus.

BLAMING SLEEPY JOE (September 12) ... Destructive San Andreas Fault is renamed Joe Biden’s Fault.

THE TRUTH HURTS (September 30) ... Mark Kelly court-martialed for calling Pete Hegseth a “weenie.” Announces candidacy for president.

NORTH TO ALASKA (October 5) ... As part of the agreement to save Ukraine’s territorial integrity, Donald Trump sells Alaska - including Lisa Murkowski - back to Russia for 7.2 million bitcoin. “Lisa Murkowski has been a thorn in my side for too long,” the president explains. “Now she can be a thorn in Vlad’s side.”

VATICAN VICTORY (October 31) ... Pope Leo offers Mass of Thanksgiving after White Sox defeat Cubs, 4-3, in seventh game of World Series.

SPEAKING OF THE POPE (November 1) ... Pontiff swings through Yolo County to celebrate 150th anniversary of St. James Parish in Davis, dedicate the new Holy Rosary Church in Woodland and visit the UC Davis Department of Viticulture and Enology to teach scientists how to turn Davis well water into a fine Cabernet.

NEW CAST OF CHARACTERS (November 22) ... After years of discussion, Disneyland confirms plans to move its entire Orange County amusement park to Yolo County and rename it Disney Davis. Explains a Disney spokesperson, “We’ll bring all the characters to Davis except Goofy. He’s clearly already there.”

BAG BAN STRENGTHENED (November 24) ... Claiming the California plastic grocery bag ban doesn’t go far enough, the City of Davis bans paper bags, handbags, saddlebags, gift bags, windbags, airbags, scumbags, dirtbags, sandbags, beanbags, moneybags, feedbags, Glad Bags, carry-on bags, bagpipes, bagpipers, carpetbaggers, bag ladies, bagmen, baggy eyes, baggy pants, rutabaga, bagatelle, baggage, baggers, Baggin’s End, people named Bagley and baguettes.

DEFACING A MONUMENT (December 2) ... National Park Service arrests Donald Trump, Kristi Noem, Pam Bondi and Lee Greenwood after discovering them atop Mt. Rushmore with ropes, ladders, chiseling tools and dozens of sticks of dynamite.

MERGER MANIA MARCHES ON (December 8) ... Avid Reader merges with Sacramento Blood Bank to form Avid Bleeder, offers one free novel with every pint donated.

AMEND THIS (December 12) ... Congress passes and the states approve 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution requiring that the First Lady be elected separately in a nationwide direct vote of the people.

AMBITION KNOWS NO BOUNDS (December 14) ... Suddenly realizing he could be president NOW, J.D. Vance demands “immediate and full disclosure” of the Epstein files, with no redactions for co-conspirators.

GRRRRRRRR (December 18) ... UC Davis Vet School plants 400 specially bred pit bulls in farm land between Davis and Woodland to halt the Woodland’s steady southward march.

A MOTTO WITH A MESSAGE (December 22) ... Davis City Council votes 5-0 to make “Davis: More Nuts Than Winters” the Official City Motto.

NOSTRADUNNING STRIKES AGAIN (December 31) ... New York Times investigation confirms that all of the above took place exactly as predicted in The Year of Our Lord, 2026.

Reach bobdunning at bobdunning@thewaryone.com