Dr. Bob is here to answer all your Halloween questions

The doctor is in and ready to help on this most stressful holiday

NOTE: Due to overwhelming reader response and personal requests from all five members of the Davis City Council, The Wary One has once again called on the services of Dr. Bob, a board-certified psychiatrist with a Halloween-specific practice throughout all of California and parts of Saskatchewan.

While much of Dr. Bob’s timeless advice to parents and children all over the globe has been offered in this space previously, it is continuously updated to deal with our changing, challenging and positively frightening times.

Dr. Bob, the author of dozens of bestselling books on Halloween, firmly believes if Halloween is not handled properly, it can haunt people of all ages for years to come, especially if left untreated.

His expert advice is critically important when Halloween falls so close to Election Day, when all sorts of scary characters are roaming the streets in search of votes and sometimes candy.

Please note that this advice is from Dr. Bob, not Dr. Oz, thus it can be fully trusted.

And one more thing. Dr. Bob says there will be an unusually high number of crazy and sometimes dangerous folks out running around this Halloween, so please be careful.

Asks Ella on Elmwood: “Dear Dr. Bob — I like trick-or-treaters, but there’s some crumpled up pile of concrete on our front porch that’s ringing our doorbell incessantly.”

Ella — That’s the ghost of the White House East Wing. Put some Elmer’s Glue-All in his treat bag and send him on his way, poor thing.

Asks Sufi on Shasta: “Dear Dr. Bob — There’s a dude on our doorstep who says he wants cash, not candy. And he’s wearing a T-shirt with ‘GOP’ written across the front in bright red letters. What on earth does that mean?”

Sufi — Stands for “Guardians of Putin.” Contribute to Cash Patel at your own risk.

Asks Arrow on Arthur: “Dear Dr. Bob — There are 16 very big individuals wearing masks and carrying handcuffs and they’re smashing down our front door. I’m terrified.”

Arrow — I know it’s a scary scene, but tell them you’re just the babysitter and all the illegal immigrants in the neighborhood are hiding in the basement next door.

Asks Cal on Covell: “Dear Dr. Bob — There’s a red-faced 70-something lunatic on our porch demanding to see our medicine cabinet.”

Cal — That’s RFK, Jr. and he will wipe out every drug you have. Just tell him you have a bad case of the measles and start coughing uncontrollably all over his treat bag.

Asks Kay on K: “Dear Dr. Bob — Some lady just shot a puppy on our porch. Should I still give her a treat?”

Kay — That’s just Kristi Noem doing her thing. I’m sure the puppy was untrained and likely to steal Kristi’s treat bag. Give her a couple of chunks of Puppy Chow, then lock the door before she asks for your citizenship papers and tries to deport you.

Asks Dorothy on Dartmouth: “Dear Dr. Bob — There are nine blue jays on our front doorstep and they are clearly mocking me.”

Dorothy — It could be that LA Dodgers hoodie you’re wearing.

Asks Patsy on Plum: “Dear Dr. Bob — There are five very tall individuals wearing bright purple basketball uniforms trying to tear down our “No Kings” sign on the front lawn. What gives?”

Patsy — Those are the Sacramento Kings. They’re just confused. Tell them to make a fast break outta there or you will slam dunk them into oblivion.

Asks Sara on Saratoga: “Dear Dr. Bob — I just looked out the front window and the character I saw is a complete mess and terribly congested. I feel so sorry when I see anyone like that.”

Sara — That’s the Yolo Causeway. He’s always congested. Give him some NyQuil and a gallon of gasoline and tell him to clean up his act.

Asks Mary on Monarch: “Dear Dr. Bob — There’s a very large mushroom in the sky, growing bigger by the second. This is the scariest Halloween trick I’ve ever seen.”

Mary — That’s actually a mushroom cloud from the resumption of nuclear testing. It was detonated over Los Angeles and gradually drifted north. Portland and Seattle are next.

Asks Satya on Santa Cruz: “Dear Dr. Bob — There’s a bunch of teenagers outside dressed as Blue Devils and they say they’re about to become extinct. Do you know anything about this?”

Satya — There is a movement afoot at Davis High School to permanently ban the Blue Devil mascot. It’s time for tricks, not treats, until this is straightened out.

Asks Shelley on Shasta: “Dear Dr. Bob — Wouldn’t it be funny to put a dill pickle in every pickleball player’s treat bag?”

Shelley — Not really.

Asks Molly on Magpie: “Dear Dr. Bob — It seems that every year the number of trick-or-treaters coming to our house has diminished. We so enjoy seeing the kids all dressed up. What can we do to reverse this troubling trend?”

Molly — Go get a handful of Yolo Berry gift certificates and pass them out every time a kid shows up in a particularly clever costume. Word will spread throughout your neighborhood faster than a freight train speeding through Davis. Trust me on this.

Asks Erin on Oeste (rhymes with ghosty): “Dear Dr. Bob — Where is the scariest place in Davis and should children be allowed to go there?”

Erin — Mace Boulevard at rush hour. Adults only.

Asks Mick on Madrone: “Dear Dr. Bob — Is it now legal to put home-grown marijuana in some kid’s treat bag?”

Mick — Only if that kid is over 18 and you had no more than six plants growing in your backyard.

Asks Ed on Spafford: “Dear Dr. Bob — Do we have to trick-or-treat by districts this year?”

Ed — Yes. Consult the architects of Prop 50 for the exact parameters of your district, which has been gerrymandered according to the amount of candy residents are willing to dish out. Trick-or-treating out of your district is a felony, punishable by three years in Woodland.

Asks Maev on Magellan: “Dear Dr. Bob — I opened the door and there was this pale white, very angry turkey on the porch. Scariest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Maev — That’s the Ghost of Downtown Tom, shot dead in his sleep a few years ago by the city’s crack Wildlife “Management” Team. He will be haunting this town’s conscience forever.

Asks Angela on Angela: “Dear Dr. Bob — My family and I moved to East Davis from Piedmont six months ago and I’d like to take the kids to a truly scary local attraction for Halloween. Any suggestions?”

Angela — Just let them walk around your East Davis neighborhood. That should be scary enough for any kid from Piedmont.

Asks Ted on Temple: “Dear Dr. Bob — What’s the scariest street name in Davis?”

Ted — Haunt Way, between J and K in East Davis.

Asks Chris on Christie: “Dear Dr. Bob — Can you get Covid from bobbing for apples?”

Chris — No, silly. That’s an old wives’ tale. The biggest concern with bobbing for apples is you might accidentally swallow Sacramento River water.

Asks Jerry on Kaneko: “Dear Dr. Bob — A group of fifth-graders wants me to put their Halloween candy in a plastic bag. I believe this is breaking the law and I offered to sell them paper bags instead for 10 cents each. I now have a handful of dimes I don’t know what to do with.”

Jerry — Give them to the March of Dimes.

Asks James on Jerome: “Dear Dr. Bob — We’re new to town and we know you have a lot of rules in Davis that we didn’t have back home in Minnesota. Is it illegal to trick-or-treat without a permit?”

James — No. But it is illegal to move here from Minnesota.

Asks Emme on M: “Dear Dr. Bob — Is Halloween a religious holiday that violates the separation of church and state?”

Emme — No. The holiday was actually invented at the 1903 San Francisco World’s Fair when a hot dog salesman attempted to hollow out his frankfurters and fill them with chocolate to appeal to the children of the day. He was unable to sell them, however, and instead passed them out that night to trick-or-treaters, who took to calling them “hollow-weenies.”

Asks Logan on Lassen: “Dear Dr. Bob — Is it true that kids from Woodland trick-or-treat in Davis because they think they’ll get better treats?”

Logan — Yes.

Asks Wyatt on Washoe: “Dear Dr. Bob — What should we do if our children are hyperactive the next morning?”

Wyatt — Send them to school, for heaven’s sake.

Reach Dr. Bob with your Halloween questions at bobdunning@thewaryone.com