How to greatly improve the many sports we play and watch

From bobsleds to bowling, a tongue-in-cheek look at what's wrong with every sport in the world

After years of watching sports as a fan, covering sports as a writer and occasionally participating in sports at the amateur level, I have a few suggestions to improve all the games we love to watch and play.

FOOTBALL ... The scoring system is all messed up. A team marches 99 yards and fumbles the ball away on the opponent's one-yard-line and gets absolutely nothing for its effort. Conversely, a team's defense recovers a fumble in the opponent's end zone and gets six points (maybe even 7 or 8) simply for jumping on the football. Makes no sense at all.

It's time to start awarding points for first downs. Make "going for it" on fourth-and-two meaningful. If you finish the game with 20 first downs, you should get 20 points for moving the ball so well. This simple change would dramatically increase scoring opportunities throughout the game, and who doesn't like scoring?

Subtract two points from a team's total every time they punt. Punting is for sissies. If you aren't capable of making a first down, get off the field.

Eliminate the point after touchdown and points after touchdown. You score a touchdown, you get six points. You want more points, score another touchdown. Also eliminate all field goals inside of 50 yards.

Make both offensive holding and pass interference legal. This is football, not ballet.

BASKETBALL ... In a sport that clearly discriminates against short people who have no control over the genes they were born with, raise the basket to 15 feet.

To eliminate ticky-tack fouls that slow down the game and irritate fans and coaches alike, provide each player with a helmet and shoulder pads and allow the person with the ball to be tackled. If he can get up and stay in the game, there is no foul.

Either that or award 10 free throws for every foul and watch fouling disappear forever.

Also, start all games in the fourth quarter, since whatever happens in the first three quarters never matters anyway.

BASEBALL ... Eliminate the pitcher's mound. This has wisely already been done in softball. Move the pitching rubber back 10 feet to 70 feet, six inches from home plate.

Expand the strike zone from the bottom of the ear to the top of the ankle.

Batters (and pitchers) get only one pitch. A ball and you walk, a strike and you sit down. If it's a "called" strike, you are disqualified for the rest of the game for being such a Nervous Nellie. The goal of the game is to hit the ball, not stand there frozen with the bat on your shoulder, hoping the umpire will see things your way. One foul ball and both the batter and the pitcher get a second chance. Two foul balls and you're out.

No more designated hitter. If you can't field a grounder or catch a fly ball, you have no business calling yourself a Major League Baseball player.

No "warmup" pitches for a reliever who should have already been warming up in the bullpen. Once you're handed the game ball, it's time to pitch. Does Steph Curry get to shoot a dozen free throws to warm up when he comes off the bench after a brief rest? Does Patrick Mahomes get to throw warmup passes when he comes on the field after an opponent's punt?

Increase scoring by making curve balls, sliders and change-ups illegal. All pitches should be straight and true as God intended. Or maybe that was Abner Doubleday.

Increase excitement by a factor of 10 by making bunting mandatory when the bases are loaded with fewer than two outs. The squeeze is the most exciting play in baseball, bar none.

SOCCER ... Save everyone two hours of scoreless misery by starting the game with a penalty kick shootout.

VOLLEYBALL ... Raise the net to 15 feet (see "Basketball" above) so even Wilt Chamberlain will have to "set" instead of "spike."

TENNIS ... One serve only. This is the only sport where there's no penalty for a terrible shot. Now let's see who has the courage to attempt a 140 mph "first" serve.

BOBSLED ... Driver must face backward.

BADMINTON ... Use a shot put instead of a shuttlecock.

ICE HOCKEY ... Eliminate the goalie. Only four skaters per side. Turn the arena temperature to 90 degrees and when the ice melts, the team that's ahead wins.

THREE-ON-THREE BASKETBALL ... Add two players to each side.

FIELD HOCKEY ... Replace the ball with a raw egg. First team to break it loses.

PICKLEBALL ... Open up the game to people under 90.

TOUR DE FRANCE ... No seat, no handlebars.

SWIMMING ... Require five-pound weights on each competitor's ankles.

MARATHON ... Let's just say it was lucky for Pheidippides that Marathon to Athens was only 26.2 miles, not 262 miles.

LACROSSE ... Use ping pong paddles instead of those long silly sticks to carry the ball down the field.

HORSE RACING ... No jockeys. Just horses. I once watched greyhounds racing in South Dakota and they didn't have jockeys.

OLYMPIC GYMNASTICS ... Eliminate Russian judges.

HIGH JUMP ... Cover the bar with barbed wire.

DIVING ... Lower water depth to three feet to make exiting the pool as important as entering the pool.

GOLF ... Two players, one ball. Players alternate tee shots from hole to hole, with Player A teeing off on No. 1 and Player B teeing off on No. 2. But no matter who tees off, both players race to the ball to see who can hit it first. The player who knocks the ball in the cup wins the hole. First one to 11 wins.

DOWNHILL SKIING ... One leg with a ski, the other with a long piece of greased cardboard.

IDITAROD ... Dogs drive, people pull.

SKEET SHOOTING ... Should be banned. A skeet is a rare bird that never did anything to deserve to be blown to bits.

TRIATHLON ... Substitute weightlifting, kayaking and square dancing for swimming, cycling and running.

POLE VAULT ... Electrify both the pole and the bar. If the two touch, you're toast.

WATER POLO ... Replace goalies with alligators.

DEATH VALLEY TO MT. WHITNEY RUN ... Call an Uber.

100-YARD DASH ... Barefoot on broken glass.

AUTO RACING ... Drivers have to change their own tires and pump their own gas.

CRICKET ... Limit all games to three days max.

BOWLING ... We're only talking about sports here.

You can reach me directly at bobdunning@thewaryone.com. I welcome your comments.