Because I have highly placed sources within the governing structure of the City of All Things Right and Relevant, I can today confidently report on a supposed municipal hazard and our city’s rapid response to it.
What follows is a back-and-forth communication between a City of Davis employee and an ordinary citizen of our town whose name and address shall remain anonymous.
A few days ago, this otherwise law-abiding citizen received a letter from a Public Safety Specialist at the Davis Police Department addressed to “Dear Resident.”
“It has come to the attention of the Davis Police Department that there may be conditions on or near your property which may constitute a public nuisance as defined by the Davis Municipal Code,” the letter begins ominously.
Ouch.
Did someone forget to pluck the dandelions from the front lawn or not roll the garbage cans away from the curb after collection day?
“More specifically,” the letter goes on, “you have a piece of indoor furniture on your driveway. Please remove the furniture off your driveway.”
Uh-oh, sounds like another furniture felony in the old hometown.
Since the letter specifically mentions “indoor” furniture, it begs the question if maybe only outdoor furniture is allowed on one’s driveway.
Or perhaps, no furniture at all.
I’m honestly not sure what distinguishes indoor furniture from outdoor furniture. Worse yet, my Irish friend and neighbor Paddy O’Furniture has no clue either.
Maybe it’s like that fuzzy definition of “nuisance” that is basically “you know it when you see it.”
I suppose if the furniture in question is a Barcalounger with three reclining positions and a vibrator, that might meet the definition of “indoor” furniture.
But what about a folding chair that usually hangs around the kitchen table but is sometimes dragged outdoors when someone wants to work on their tan and the only place with full sun is the driveway?
Adds this stern communique from Big Brother, “We find that most conditions are easily corrected and nothing more than this friendly reminder is needed to prevent further contact regarding the condition.”
I guess friendly is as friendly does.
Let’s call our resident-in-trouble D.D. for Driveway Dorothy (not her real name).
Not willing to take this scolding sitting down - on either indoor or outdoor furniture - D.D. responded in kind. In other words, with a “friendly reminder” about a private citizen’s right to driveway autonomy.
We all learned in kindergarten that a man’s home is his castle, but left unsaid is whether that rule includes the castle’s driveway.
However, the United States Supreme Court ruled in the landmark case of Pinocchio v. Geppetto that there is no legal distinction between indoor furniture and outdoor furniture.
Writes D.D. to the city’s driveway protector, “I recently received a letter from you in your role as Public Safety Specialist for the Davis Police Department.”
Sounds friendly so far.
“Specifically, the letter stated that ‘there may be conditions on or near your property which may constitute a public nuisance,’ and I was asked to remove a piece of furniture on my driveway.
“The piece of ‘indoor furniture’ was a wooden toy box. This toy box had been listed on Facebook Marketplace, was marked ‘FREE’ and was entirely on my driveway and not blocking the sidewalk.”
Driveway Dorothy goes on to describe her long and distinguished career as a Director of Risk Management for both private corporations and public agencies, positions that regularly required her to assess public nuisances and safety concerns.
She may have even come across the occasional toy box in a driveway.
Adds Dorothy, “Given my over 31 years of risk management experience, it is puzzling to me that this toy box on my property rose to such a level of concern as to cause the Davis Police Department to send this correspondence to me.
“I am pleased to know that the Davis Police Department is well-staffed enough to send such Davis Municipal Code correspondence to all the residents of Davis, including our UC Davis students who continually, throughout the year, place clothes, furniture and other household items on lawns, driveways and sidewalks.”
Hey, Dorothy, that’s where I get almost all my wardrobe. Please don’t let the secret out.
“All this is to say that the public nuisance toy box has found a new home and is no longer on my driveway.”
Phew.
“The citizens of Davis can relax and be assured that they are safe from this ‘nuisance’ and, hopefully, the Davis Police Department will have more time to address situations that are truly public hazards.”
As Jack Lord used to say on Hawaii Five-O, “Book ’em, Danno.”