It's not too late to get him that perfect Christmas gift, but watch out

There are simply some gifts that will not be welcome, no matter how kind your intent

This is the time of year when Santa goes online to look over the hundreds of “Best Gifts” lists that every news organization in the world comes up with just before Christmas.

I’m now looking at the “Best Gifts for Men” list compiled by CNN just in case I’m on anyone’s Christmas list.

Right off the bat I found the “Keychron K8 Pro Mechanical Keyboard for clickety-clack keys.”

This is a gift that “men nostalgic for retro tech will adore,” because it is a wireless mechanical keyboard that “provides a satisfying click with each key press.”

Obviously good during cross-country red-eye flights when everyone else on the plane is so soundly asleep that a constant clicking noise won’t bother them at all.

I will admit that a clicking sound with every stroke is indeed satisfying to folks like me who type for a living, but what I really miss is that little bell on manual typewriters that rewarded you with a pleasant “ding” every time you completed a full line of copy.

The selling point here is basically that the mechanical keyboard is “bigger, louder and easier on the fingers” than the silence-is-golden keyboard on your laptop.

Your family will love to hear you typing away with loud crashes and bangs long after they have shuffled off to bed.

I’m sure they’ll leave the bedroom door wide open just so they don’t miss any of this “highly satisfying” clatter.

Actually, truth be told, I do remember long ago when manual typewriters were standard equipment for journalists, I was typing up a late-night basketball game at the kitchen table when around 2 a.m. I took a short break to brew another cup of strong black coffee so I could finish the job with at least one eye open.

But before I could resume my Pulitzer-worthy endeavor, my oldest son Ted, all of two years old at the time, wandered out to the kitchen with tears in his eyes.

“What’s the matter, honey?”

“Daddy’s not typing.”

Turns out the lack of noise is what woke him up because the sound of an active keyboard told him that all was right in his world.

Now that he’s all grown up with four kids of his own, maybe this noisy keyboard will be the perfect gift for him this Christmas.

But wait, there’s more on this 63 gifts for men list.

Right behind a novel-length explanation of the different mechanical keyboards available is the Akiki Cleaner Kit for AirPods.

“When’s the last time he cleaned his AirPods?” asks the opening line.

“If the answer is ‘never,’ it’s time to gift him this ever necessary cleaning kit with a brush, sponge and crevice tool to remove earwax and other buildup on the devices he uses (and sweats in) most.”

Yuck. I get nauseous just thinking about earwax buildup on some guy’s AirPods.

Please listen closely. As much as the man in your life might need this product, it is flat-out a terrible Christmas present because it tells him he actually has lousy hygiene and the whole world knows about it. He will be nervous about this for the rest of his life.

Also not recommended as Christmas gifts are bidets, nose hair trimmers, water piks, electric toothbrushes, eyebrow pluckers and three-packs of max-protection deodorant.

If he has earwax buildup on his AirPods, let it go.

A more plausible gift is the “Black Diamond Spot 400-R Rechargeable Headlamp for Moonlit excursions.”

I’m not sure about strolling around the neighborhood to the light of the silvery moon, but I can most definitely use a headlamp for those trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night when I inevitably trip on my size 14 sneakers that I left smack in the middle of the path.

Moving right along, there’s also the Kow Steaks American Wagyu New York Strip, which actually sounds delicious.

However, what you get is a single 10-ounce New York Strip, well-marbled for - are you sitting down? - $107.

That comes out to $171.20 a pound and he might still be hungry, especially if he spent all day digging ear wax out of his AirPods.

In addition, any present that can disappear completely in less than five minutes can hardly be said to be “the gift of a lifetime.”

And finally, as warned about a few paragraphs ago, “If you want to change his life,” the Tushy Classic 3.0 Bidet Toilet Seat Attachment can be yours (to give to him) for just $129 on Amazon.

Interestingly, this is advertised as an “entry-level model,” which makes me wonder if this gadget is for beginners, like maybe toddlers. Plus, if you’re going to the bathroom, don’t you really want an exit-level model?

There you have it.

Choose wisely.

You’ll be glad you did.

Reach me at bobdunning@thewaryone.com