My heartfelt letter to the President of the United States
Some thanks, some questions and some pointed advice for the Commander in Chief
Donald J. Trump (or current occupant)
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, D.C. 20500
Dear Mr. President -
It has been a while since we last spoke.
I appreciate this opportunity to have my own private "Town Hall" with you and I promise I won't take up too much of your time.
I do want to congratulate you on once again winning your club golf championship and I know you could have been a star on the PGA tour if you had decided to go that route instead of joining the military right out of college so you could proudly serve in Vietnam. Wait, maybe I have that wrong. Maybe you weren't in the military at all. I think I have my presidents mixed up. I guess I'm thinking of JFK and Jimmy Carter. So, if you weren't in the military when you were of draft age and the nation was at war, what were you doing at that time?
To keep things simple, I'll number my thoughts and observations about your first 100 days so that your responses can be neat and orderly.
1) I know you think grocery prices are "way down," but honestly, when's the last time you were actually in a grocery store? I have long developed something known as the "Mayonnaise Index," which pretty much tells me everything I need to know about the price of groceries. If a quart jar of Best Foods (Hellmann's in your part of the country) goes up, pretty much everything else goes up, too. Put simply, mayonnaise is what makes the world go round and most of us can't live without it. Unfortunately, I paid $1.69 more for that quart jar of Best Foods the other day than I did on January 20 when you raised your right hand and swore an oath on the Bible to lower the price of mayonnaise. (You can view the popularity of mayonnaise here.)
2) I have slightly altered the meaning of GOP so the letters now represent "Guardians of Putin." Before you get any ideas about marketing my idea, I've already filed for trademark and copyright protection, but I would be willing to go halfsies with you if you'd like to sell hats and T-shirts with that slogan at your incredibly popular MAGA store. I already have a large backlog of orders ready to be filled.
3) Thank you for going after all those Ivy League schools who think they're better than the rest of us who had to go to public schools. I've heard JD Vance kind of lords that over you when you meet in the Oval Office. I mean, who names a major university simply "Brown"? If that isn't DEI in disguise, I don't know what is. And don't be fooled by Harvard changing the name of the Office for Equity, Diversity, Inclusion and Belonging to the Office of Community and Campus Life. If it looks like DEI and it walks like DEI, it's DEI. You can call it the Office of Milkshakes, Free Beer and Hershey Bars and it won't fool any of us. You are right to insist that Harvard have diversity, equity and inclusion of conservative viewpoints among faculty, staff and students, a sort of affirmative action on the right foot instead of the left.
4) Bravo for "re-educating" Little Marco, who used to support defending Ukraine "at all costs" and thought that foreign aid was a great way to promote democracy throughout the world. Enough with democracy. The guy was practically "woke" before you straightened him out by naming him Secretary of State. Just between the two of us, and I promise not to tell anybody, did you use electroshock therapy?
