President Trump declares war on my old hometown of Portland

While he's in Oregon, I'd like to show the President some of the sights in this beautiful Northwest city

President Donald Trump
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

(If not present, please forward to:

Multnomah County Courthouse
1200 SW 1st Avenue
Portland, Oregon)

Dear Mr. President:

Continuing our fruitful personal correspondence that began when you requested my help in fulfilling your desire to get to heaven, I am writing to you today about an issue dear to my heart.

As I understand it, you are intending to send hundreds of Department of War super patriots to bring law and order to my beloved hometown of Portland, Oregon.

Bravo.

You should know that Portland is where I established my birthright citizenship at Emanuel Hospital on a beautiful September evening a number of decades ago.

Mom and Dad always told me there is a statue in my honor on the hospital grounds, though I’ve never actually been able to verify that fact, and the one time I formally inquired with a phone call, the hospital operator asked “Bob Who?” and said she’d get back to me. Never did.

Anyway, as Commander in Chief of this military operation, I presume you’ll be on site to be sure everything goes according to plan. I mean, Pete Hegseth is okay as far as it goes, but he certainly doesn’t have the boots on the ground military experience that you do.

Because of the intensity of the Battle of Portland, it is essential that you have secure accommodations and abundant opportunities for some R&R to put your feet up and clear your mind.

This is where I come in.