The secret ballot is no more in the United States of America

A personal letter from the Commander in Chief confirms this dramatic change in policy

As much as I love our cherished democracy, I now have rock-solid proof that we no longer have a truly secret ballot in our presidential elections.

And while you can still have a democracy without a secret ballot - when I lost an election, 15-11, for third-grade homeroom monitor at West Davis Elementary, my classmates voted by simply raising their hands - such a wide-open policy would certainly dampen enthusiasm for anyone going to the polls.

This distressing news came to me unexpectedly in a stunning personal letter from the 47th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

I don’t know for sure how the president got my name and address, but it has to have come from either the FBI, the IRS, the Secret Service, Homeland Security, the Draft Board, Mr. Pillow or his dirt-digging pal Laura Loomer.

“You voted for me to secure the border,” the president writes, clearly having examined my supposedly “secret” ballot before making such a statement.

The first four words of that sentence, “You voted for me,” sent chills up and down my funny bone. Was there a surveillance camera at my polling place with a direct pipeline to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue that was able to zero in on the Magic Marker held firmly in my right hand?

But that wasn’t all the president had to say.