Trump's warm and kind Memorial Day message for the ages

Plus, Kristi Noem defines habeas corpus, prison tourism in San Francisco Bay and a hearty welcome to our new South African immigrants

WARM WORDS FROM THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF ... Just as I sat down to write a few paragraphs to honor those who have died in our various wars to keep America open and free, I realized that the Commander in Chief had beaten me to the punch.

Here, unedited, is President Trump's warm Memorial Day message. (He uses all caps, but I won't.)

"Happy Memorial Day to all, including the scum that spent the last four years trying to destroy our country through warped radical left minds, who allowed 21,000,000 million people to illegally enter our country, many of them being criminals and the mentally insane, through an open border that only an incompetent president would approve, and through judges who are on a mission to keep murderers, drug dealers, rapists, gang members and released prisoners from all over the world, in our country so they can rob, murder and rape again."

Now that is one fine run-on sentence.

But wait, there's more.

"All protected by these USA hating judges who suffer from an ideology that is sick and very dangerous for our country. Hopefully the United States Supreme Court and other good and compassionate judges will save us from the decisions of the monsters who want our country to go to hell."

The president somehow got so wound up in his own hatred that he forgot to thank the thousands and thousands of brave and truly patriotic service members who gave their lives so that our country might thrive. So I'll do it for him.

Thank you to all who have served - including my dad, my brother and my son - and especially to those who gave the ultimate sacrifice. America wouldn't be America without you.

May God Bless you all.

HABEAS CORRUPTION ... I know that people with great legal minds have gleefully jumped all over poor Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem for testifying at a U.S. Senate hearing that "habeas corpus is a constitutional right that the president has to be able to remove people from this country."

Go ahead and laugh, but before you do so too loudly, try to accurately define that term yourself.

As it turns out, "habeas corpus," at least as it is practiced in South Dakota, is the right of a puppy to happily chase pheasants without its owner putting a bullet in its head for misbehaving.

According to the former governor of South Dakota, she took Cricket - her puppy - on its first pheasant hunt and noted "Cricket was out of her mind with excitement, chasing all those birds and having the time of her life."

Apparently, there was no habeas corpus for Cricket, whose only response to the shooting was crickets.

AL CAPONE AND HIS BROTHER AL CATRAZ ... As the story goes, the President of the United States was watching that Clint Eastwood classic "Escape from Alcatraz" on TV one lonely night at Mar-a-Lago and decided it was time to return this tourist attraction in San Francisco Bay to its original purpose. Good thing he wasn't watching "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."